i really don’t know if i’ll ever have an identity i’m comfortable with.
i like dragonage a bit better than skyrim because of the character interactions/companions, but dating sim mechanics in games always mess me up because if ANYONE dislikes me for ANY reason i feel like i did something wrong even tho it’s literally impossible to make everyone like you all the time (just like irl. hmm.)
then i feel super dumb for getting even a little anxious over VIDEO GAMES
forget real people i’m too nervous to even interact w/ pixels
2013 sucked a lot and right now i’m afraid 2014 will be more of the same
iii didn’t end up getting anything done on the little programming project i had in mind. i forgot how bad / dumb i am at programming, sob. i think i need to reread one of my js books to get back into the right brains to even attempt anything.
i’m also kind of discouraged by the thought of making a greasemonkey script when it’s so hard to get userscripts into chrome nowadays. they’re supposed to be natively supported as extensions, but installing them is kind of onerous for the average user. iirc you have to switch chrome into developer’s mode then drag a file into your extensions window; not too bad, but not nearly as easy as just clicking on something on the google extension site.
so i may see if this kind of thing is within the scope of xkit and try developing for that instead, or just writing it as a chrome extension on its own since in theory i’d like to extend it beyond tumblr. there may already be projects out there to ‘keyboardify’ sites but i have to think of this as just something for me to do to learn
anyway, it’s xmas week and i’m going to try to avoid thinking about programming or jobs or education or politics and gender bullshit until next year.
ugh every time i go to bed early i end up waking up at some weirdass time (i went to bed at 7 and now i’m up at 1 and i can’t go back to sleep) and wrecking my sleep schedule more
i just want to be stone cold unconscious for like 14 hours, is that too much to ask
my teacher feels bad for me even though i told him i was okay with failing so he might arrange for me to take the test tomorrow or something
idk we’ll see, i suppose any grade is better than the 0 i currently have
godd i’m a moron
i’m gonna sign up at straightliner and take 8 or so gen ed courses i need to get into wgu. i should be able to take them pretty fast if i’m not working, so idk, maybe i can freelance or put it on my credit card or pay with unemployment
try to brush up on my math with khan academy while taking the math courses
not worry about trying to get a Job-job and just try to freelance, maybe even do furry commissions or try to get a part time crummy job around here at a grocery store or something
i’d just like some kind of income so i felt okay about getting meds and therapy
then do wgu in.. however long that takes me to finish, hopefully less than a year or so
if i can somehow find a full time job here or in raleigh or something that’d be nice but it doesn’t really matter as much
whoops i thought the final test ended tomorrow, looks like it ends tonight and the testing center is now closed. guess i fail!! i can’t say i really give a shit, this entire semester was a huge wad of wasted cash
it’s hard not to hate myself for being so stupid, but literally *every other assignment* in the class was due by wednesday night so i just figured this one would be the same
i’m mostly pissed that i spent so much stress and money on another semester of useless fuckin community college. never again
if i try to do school again, i’m going to wgu so i can do the whole thing online
trying to figure out how to study.
between my uh, interesting educational history and just being a ~gifted~ student i never really learned how to study. when i was in school in grades k-6, almost everything came easily to me and i went into tests blind and still got a’s (except in math, which is probably why i still have such anxiety around it. being a perfectionist+good at most areas of knowledge naturally+huge inferiority complex spells crippling doubt when you run into anything you don’t understand at first brush). then later, i was out of school for long, long periods of time and even when i went in again, it was mostly for easy classes that i already knew most of (and i’m also pretty good at figuring out ways to cheat if they let me take the test on a internet-connected computer, or let me keep my phone, etc)
i generally resent any tests that aren’t open book/open internet because they seem to be testing memorization ability far more than innate knowledge or skills. i stress more about multiple-choice/true|false tests than essay tests because while i usually can grasp broad theories pretty easily, minutae easily falls through the cracks in my shitty memory and i panic because i can’t remember what some four letter acronym stands for or the exact year of some event. and it’s so stupid that that knowledge is even tested, because it’s not something human brains are really designed to keep track of - it’s why we invented, you know, books and databases. and in the modern age, it’s rare we’ll be stranded somewhere without any access to the internet, so measuring our ability to find the right answers online (or at least within our own textbook) is better than judging on our ability to temporarily memorize shit. i wish classes recognized that finding the right answer and judging sources, especially online, is a skill on its own that needs to be taught to people.
of course, the reason i’m complaining about all this now is that i have to take a closed-book test for my security class and there are literally hundreds of 3-4 word acronyms and lots of similar concepts with slightly different names i have to hope to remember between now and whenever i take the test tomorrow. i’m torn between trying to study in earnest or uploading this illicit ebook copy of my textbook somewhere that i can access later when i’m on the school’s testing computer.
ughh stupid friggen
i managed to break the power cord for my tablet, which is, of course proprietary so i don’t have anything else to charge it up with
at least i found a cheap one on amazon but god knows when it’ll get here
i wish i could pour my efforts into freelancing instead of obsessing over needing a job to sustain myself
i suppose the part of me that needs validation can only think in terms of having a real job
and i like having a steady paycheck/not having to beg to be paid
but the likelyhood of me getting another job seems dimmer and dimmer every day